Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Randomize
