Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
