awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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