hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
