I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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