I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Houston, we have a blender
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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