Already got asked if we're dating
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
