now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
