EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
