dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I AM VODKA MAN
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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