She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
