wanna go halves on a baby?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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