i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
