So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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