I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
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You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
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I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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