I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
