Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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