so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
