This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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