weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
