I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
