every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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