On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
