my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
