i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Randomize
