ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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