I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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