i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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