Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
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I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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