If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
