I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
We got so high we made milksteak
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
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If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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