1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
