1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
