Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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