can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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