I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
