I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
