I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
