We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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