He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Four minutes until I can fart!
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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