i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
