her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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