booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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