Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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