I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
