dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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