I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
