My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
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