so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
