Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
