how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
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He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
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Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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