I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
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she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize