alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The Olympian is in my bed
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
