she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
