Where is the hickey?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Randomize
