Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
