my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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