i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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