the new term for farting is butt boxing.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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