i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
