I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
