dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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